The week of results ... !!

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14th August - 1 week today ! 

 Today it’s exactly a week till my first ever LEUKAEMIA results, I’ve been going to the hospital regularly, getting my bloods taken and talking with my Doctor , on side effects and keeping an eye on my White blood cells !
Where last time my blood were at 5.2!! Highest I’ve had them on chemo , turns out higher the better when on chemo, average in a normal person is 11, when I was diagnosed I was 24 way too high!
All my appointments I’ve been 3.0 - 4.0 , and when I was recently in hospital I was 0.something, far to low !  So 5.2 was good for my last count :D
So on the 13th July it was 3 months on treatment which meant can finally get my bloods sent to Leeds (a cancer hospital) to get them looked at by professionals ect. But had to wait till the 21st August to get the results back and find out for the first time what percentage my Leukaemia is at. 0.05 is Remission, the main goal on this journey , because I can’t get rid of my cancer , I have blood cancer for life, so remissions the biggest Goal in all this 🤞

It’s a week till my results and I’m sat on my bedroom floor sorting out and reading through my Cancer books, trying to get my head around my condition and learn more ready for what’s coming ahead, and all I can feel is anger , I’m getting angry at myself, blaming myself for this.
Today my Gums bleed twice, which according to my CML books is yet another side effect , hopefully this is a one off.

As I sat here writing this in my diary as I always do with my blog before I decide to write it on here, to make sure I’m mentally okay to publish what I feel ect, I’m talking to my Partner and he told me to just write all I’m telling him!  So here it goes ..
I know people following my journey tell me I’m an inspiration and I’m so strong, and I appreciate it so much , no one will understand how much them words help me through dark times, but I’m not always strong and right now is one of them moments, I cried my eyes out while I broke down to Ashley telling I’m “I DONT WANT THIS ANYMORE!” “I wish it’ll all go away, why can’t mine be cured! Why can’t I be “normal” again!” I felt like giving up, I had a pain in my chest , I was hurting , I wanted it all to stop!
It was Chemo tablet time, a time of the day that depresses me, taking a tablet every day the same time depresses me, I know it’s “keeping me alive” but I also know it’s not long till I’m gonna be kept awake with pain, or throwing up , knowing what’s to come.. but just take another tablet and see how you are 😩
You just gotta put on a brave face, for family , friends, strangers , work - because I look fine, right?!?  No one knows I have been up the night before throwing up, or no sleep through pain.
I’m not bold so I must be okay ?  - unfortunately Cancer doesn’t work that way..
I’ve lost 2 clumps of hair so far, hoping no more will go, or I’ll just go really thin!

I’m 4 months in on this journey , a journey I’ll face for life (however long that will be) and I already feel like I’m giving up, just gets so hard sometimes, but it does make me appreciate the nights I do get some sleep, the nights I wasn’t sick 😁
But every cough, sneeze or runny nose and we worry checking my temperature so I don’t end up back in hospital already !


Now this bit willl be hard to read, and please anyone following this journey do not take the wrong way, one of the hardest part is my thoughts, mainly this last week leading to my results, the waiting! The problem is I feel I have no control over my life , that taking my life is more control than letting the cancer kill me! - I’m certainly not going to btw , I have so much love and support and so much to live for and a future that is just gonna be amazing ! So many plans and so much to look forward to ! It’s just the sense of control (I’ve spoken with my Cancer therapy lady and she says it’s normal to feel that way) so anyone with Cancer reading this and feeling that way, it’s normal, absolutely normal just look at your family and the life you have , yeah we have this horrible thing in our lives, but we are the only ones who can make our lives how we want ! Don’t let Cancer be your story , it’s only a chapter ! And I live by that, so I got the tattoo!! 😘

I look at my partner and I just know he’s got my back, and we’re kicking Cancers Butt together, were a great team! 👫


Middle of the week...


With it being “results week” anxiety peaks, every little thing has you worried and scared, the panic at the thought , I mean it’s my first results , expected right ? .. I know it’ll get better !
I just want remission .. but it’s okay to feel that way, so many people suffer anxiety for many different things.

This week my fatigue has been unreal, maybe because I’m suffering actually getting to sleep this week, but I’m finding it very hard to get out of bed, I lie in till late morning and I just can’t get out of bed.. if it was for my Doggy Skye , I wouldn’t get out of bed! I get up to let her out for a wee, so I’m thankful for my fluffy baby !

All this is very new to me, and I getting used to it all, slowly ! So much is going on ! It’s getting easier knowing it’s not long till my results and the support is all with me, and we’re all hoping for the best !


Positive note , on the 1st September I am helping at BLOODWISE young people project helping young people going through cancer and sharing my journey and my experiences! - I can actually help people ?! It feels incredible ! They read my blog and was interested for me to help , it wasn’t just the news I needed!!




DAY BEFORE!

 So it’s Monday (when I’m actually writing this!) And tomorrow is the BIG DAY 😱 it seems to have been ages yet gone so fast , these past 4 months since being diagnosed has flown by!
Today had a meeting with my young person cancer therapy lady, and I feel it’s been one of my best meetings, she was supporting all I was saying and letting me know these feelings are normal in these circumstances. She also gave me a “journey box” which is super cute, and I can do a finger print for my loved one to keep of me for if anything happens and a journal I can write with guidance, full off cute little things , and I can’t wait to start filling it 😘
I also showed her the pictures of the clumps of hair I’m losing so she’s gonna help me see a wig specialist which has helped so much as I was so worried , so I may Donate my hair so it doesn’t go to waste if I do lose it 😃 I feel someone would appreciate it than it going to waste ( and I love my hair , so be a massive step for me!!)
Also spoke about going to Christie’s to go to a “feel good look better” session with other young people with Cancer just to get make over and just feel that little bit better when things feel so rubbish !!
So after today’s meeting I feel ready for tomorrow, she is coming along to my appointment which is lovely ! And Ashley will be there so I am in safe hands for whatever is coming !





So tomorrow 21st August, is the Big results day ! First one ☝️
I’ve wrote this blog for people to see, it is hard to see real feelings involved with this, and how yes I am strong but I do have my moments, so anyone following or has cancer, I’m not always strong so it’s absolutely okay for you not to always be strong m, but just know you are strong even with weak days just shows how strong you really are to get through that 💪🎗
I look forward to writing my next blog which will probably be my BLOODWISE project day (I’ll include my results, but in the mean time anyone can message me to find out my results if Intrested and I’ll happily be open) Facebook - Leanne Carr Humphreys
Anyone who just wants to chat or going through anything drop me a message I will always help, it’s what my blog is for, and I’ve had a fair few people message already and they have appreciated my words and help and that just means so much to me ! Even if it’s isnt Cancer, I honestly do not mind !

Thank you all for reading !
And for everyone on my journey ... LETS KEEP KICKING CANCERS BUTT! with all the help from you all and all your words , you really do help with kicking it’s butt hehe!

Much love 💞🎗 Leanne ! Xx 🎗🎗🎗🎗

Ps - My T-shirts are made from “Broken Heart Tees” how amazing are they right?! And Angie makes it to your needs and she’s so lovely 😊 anyone wants a person tee go message the amazing company Facebook or online , I have another one on order already!  and my mum and niece love their tees to support me and my blood cancer ! Also super comfy !  💞☝️




















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