Leanne... I’m sorry!
Now you’re probably wondering “why the title!”
It’s because I am sorry to myself, I haven’t been the kindest, I haven’t been loving towards myself and I’ve let things take over..
Let’s take it back to a few months ago, bare with my guys this blog could be a long one 🤦♀️ I know I’m sorry.. but I’ve been trying to write this blog and every time I do, I delete it all and hide away, so if you’re reading this, I made it through and I published it 💪
So it was middle of May and I went out with my gal Chelsea and had one of the best nights out ever, we couldn’t remember a thing.
I woke up Sunday morning .. now this Sunday was special and was supposed to be the greatest day of my life, we had planned to go and book our wedding!! 💍👰🤵 I woke up and I knew something wasn’t right, and this wasn’t a hangover.. and it wasn’t “chemo sick” I started vomiting violently, I couldn’t stop I was curled up in the corner or my bed, shivering, throwing up, crying my eyes out, I was scared! I knew I wasn’t okay, we took my temp and the dreaded 38.0 we saw.. (anything over 37.5 is considered emergency for anyone on any form of chemo) soon as we saw that number we knew I had to be seen, we called 111 who told us to get to the hospital now.. Ashleys dad rushed us to the hospital.
A&E was rammed (to be expected, such a busy place) they sent me through to urgent care where there was a room waiting for me. The doctor came in shortly after took one look at me and said “code red” - we had no idea what that meant, other then the fact I was throwing up every time I opened my mouth to talk to him, he took my obs and temp which had gone sky high now. Then he said “not waiting for a porter, I’ll take you myself” and off he wheeled me through to the emergency, I must say this doctor was very very good, when we got to the A&E he said “I need this lady seen to ASAP” where the nurse replied “were busy and have no room right now” my lovely doctor then showed his authority and said “this is a code red, she’s on chemo you get her in a room NOW!” - and off I got put into my own room..
We thought from here things will get better... unfortunately we was wrong.
A lady came in and said “I’m afraid you’ve contracted Sepsis, and it’s started to attach your heart that is why your heart rate is going far to fast, we need to start treatment within the 1 hour window, she takes loads of bloods and begins tests, then off she went... at this point I’m still throwing up 🤮 and just feeling so poorly.
1 hour and a half later and I really started to deteriorate, Ashley went and towel the women it’s been over an hour and Leanne hasn’t started the treatment for sepsis ?
Well the women started panicking, and shouting at the other staff “Why hasn’t bay 3 (think I was 3 I was getting very spaced out at this point)
She came in with the antibiotics drip for Sepsis, and she was so upset and apologetic, she couldn’t believe I had been forgotten about.
My mum came and Ashleys dad went home.
Then I started to go lifeless, I said to Ashley “I feel like I’m dying” he got the lady, who rushed to get me onto a bed, and I remember hearing “shes fighting for her life!!” Hearing those words was scary and I don’t remember much from there...
I know they switched my bloods in A&E (well they put the wrong label on then added mine on top) so they wasn’t allowed to use them and then took more blood from me 🩸
The next day I remember that I was in and out of sleep, and still throwing up, even when I had nothing to throw up was all bile.
They told me that the treatment for sepsis was working, my temp had slowly started to come down, and my heart rate was returning to normal.. my inflammatory levels and infection marks were still up, so we continued treatment. For the week I was just so weak, I couldn’t even lift my mobile phone, but ash kept people updated 👍
I was in for just over a week.. finally I was back to “normal” with my markers/temp/bloods/obs ect other than my body being weak, they just couldn’t find what infection caused my Sepsis but my markers were down so... THEY LET ME HOME 🏡
On the Wednesday I had been booked to go with TeenageCancerTrust to a Spa break in Wirral, I had been so looking forward to it, I generally thought I was going to have to miss it.. I get in the taxi on the Wednesday and I’m on my way to the Christie’s in Manchester, I suddenly don’t feel to good, I had to get the taxi man to pull over I was sick and had the “runs” .. lovely I know, but got to keep this real with you all 🤷♀️ I get to Christie’s and they ask “are you okay?” I said explained and they said “maybe it was the travel” - I thought yeah, that must of been it, as I’m all cleared up!
We then all got into the mini bus to get to Wirral, and all I wanted to do was throw up.. I felt awful, we got to the Spa hotel, and I rushed to the toilet, where I was sick 🤒
I thought 💭 time to check the temp 💭 - 37.4 yep I was close to my limit, I just put it down to the fact it’s raised because I have just been throwing up and been all worked up - yeah that sounded like a good excuse!
So we got our timetable of when our treatment will be and we can go in the spa till then, we had food, but I didn’t order a meal as I knew it would come back up.
I go and get in my swimsuit 👙 checked my temp 38.0 .. “it’ll go down, I’m sure it Will” that is what i told Myself I wasn’t going to let sepsis make me miss another trip !!
I go to the pool and think this’ll cool me down, anyway I was freezing 🥶 so I get in the jacuzzi, and I’m sat there shivering where one of the TCT team question me “why are you shivering in a jacuzzi” I said the dreaded words “I don’t feel great” he then went and got the TCT nurse who was with us, who asked what’s happened then we checked my temp which was 38.6 he said “I’m taking you to the hospital now” 🏥 off we went to a hospital in Wirral.. scary!!
In the A&E got seen fairly quick and started some treatment, sepsis was happening again.
A nurse came searching for me as she was shocked that there was someone so young with CML (as you’ll see in my other blogs, CML is very Rare, and mainly in men and ages 65+) so she was shocked, the TCT nurse said I’m special 😇
She wanted to keep me In, but I told her it’s too scary , I have no one here, my family are Blackpool I can’t be stuck in here with nothing. She did some X-rays and watched me take antibiotics orally and left me for a while to see if I can keep it down with the anti-sickness
Then asked if I’d like to take them home orally, which I jumped at the opportunity. Few hours later and I got let back to the spa hotel 🧖♀️
I was up allll night, none stop on the toilet ‘diarrhoea’ - in the morning I didn’t go down to breakfast and TCT called me “why aren’t you having breakfast” I explained I had a rough night, he asked me to come down, took one look at me and said “you need to go home” I was so relieved, I didn’t want to be a pain but I wanted to get home so badly !
Taxi was booked and off I went, I took the antibiotics at home along with more the doctor prescribed when I was home..
by Sunday I thought “oh I feel good again” then I made a mistake....
I went back to work on Monday, did my back to work ect
Then at my desk I got such a bad tummy pain, and rushed to the toilet, runs again and sick, I left it for half the day, then I had to go see my boss, he took a look at me and was like “you’re not okay are you” and sent me down to A&E
Where I then spent another week in hospital , but this time I was in quarantine Sepsis had started AGAIN!! 🤒 but my infection markers were back up..
Anyway I’ll cut this but short, after tests it showed i was GDH positive “ Glutamate Dehydrogenase
(GDH Positive) Patient Information Leaflet Infection Prevention
What does GDH positive mean?
GDH is a enzyme if this is identified in your faeces it means you are colonised with the germ (bacteria) called Clostridium difficile (abbreviated ‘C.diff’ or ‘CDT’)”
Which then we had to wait for part 2 and it came back that I had C.Diff -
A lady came in and said “I’m afraid you’ve contracted Sepsis, and it’s started to attach your heart that is why your heart rate is going far to fast, we need to start treatment within the 1 hour window, she takes loads of bloods and begins tests, then off she went... at this point I’m still throwing up 🤮 and just feeling so poorly.
1 hour and a half later and I really started to deteriorate, Ashley went and towel the women it’s been over an hour and Leanne hasn’t started the treatment for sepsis ?
Well the women started panicking, and shouting at the other staff “Why hasn’t bay 3 (think I was 3 I was getting very spaced out at this point)
She came in with the antibiotics drip for Sepsis, and she was so upset and apologetic, she couldn’t believe I had been forgotten about.
My mum came and Ashleys dad went home.
Then I started to go lifeless, I said to Ashley “I feel like I’m dying” he got the lady, who rushed to get me onto a bed, and I remember hearing “shes fighting for her life!!” Hearing those words was scary and I don’t remember much from there...
I know they switched my bloods in A&E (well they put the wrong label on then added mine on top) so they wasn’t allowed to use them and then took more blood from me 🩸
The next day I remember that I was in and out of sleep, and still throwing up, even when I had nothing to throw up was all bile.
They told me that the treatment for sepsis was working, my temp had slowly started to come down, and my heart rate was returning to normal.. my inflammatory levels and infection marks were still up, so we continued treatment. For the week I was just so weak, I couldn’t even lift my mobile phone, but ash kept people updated 👍
I was in for just over a week.. finally I was back to “normal” with my markers/temp/bloods/obs ect other than my body being weak, they just couldn’t find what infection caused my Sepsis but my markers were down so... THEY LET ME HOME 🏡
On the Wednesday I had been booked to go with TeenageCancerTrust to a Spa break in Wirral, I had been so looking forward to it, I generally thought I was going to have to miss it.. I get in the taxi on the Wednesday and I’m on my way to the Christie’s in Manchester, I suddenly don’t feel to good, I had to get the taxi man to pull over I was sick and had the “runs” .. lovely I know, but got to keep this real with you all 🤷♀️ I get to Christie’s and they ask “are you okay?” I said explained and they said “maybe it was the travel” - I thought yeah, that must of been it, as I’m all cleared up!
We then all got into the mini bus to get to Wirral, and all I wanted to do was throw up.. I felt awful, we got to the Spa hotel, and I rushed to the toilet, where I was sick 🤒
I thought 💭 time to check the temp 💭 - 37.4 yep I was close to my limit, I just put it down to the fact it’s raised because I have just been throwing up and been all worked up - yeah that sounded like a good excuse!
So we got our timetable of when our treatment will be and we can go in the spa till then, we had food, but I didn’t order a meal as I knew it would come back up.
I go and get in my swimsuit 👙 checked my temp 38.0 .. “it’ll go down, I’m sure it Will” that is what i told Myself I wasn’t going to let sepsis make me miss another trip !!
I go to the pool and think this’ll cool me down, anyway I was freezing 🥶 so I get in the jacuzzi, and I’m sat there shivering where one of the TCT team question me “why are you shivering in a jacuzzi” I said the dreaded words “I don’t feel great” he then went and got the TCT nurse who was with us, who asked what’s happened then we checked my temp which was 38.6 he said “I’m taking you to the hospital now” 🏥 off we went to a hospital in Wirral.. scary!!
In the A&E got seen fairly quick and started some treatment, sepsis was happening again.
A nurse came searching for me as she was shocked that there was someone so young with CML (as you’ll see in my other blogs, CML is very Rare, and mainly in men and ages 65+) so she was shocked, the TCT nurse said I’m special 😇
She wanted to keep me In, but I told her it’s too scary , I have no one here, my family are Blackpool I can’t be stuck in here with nothing. She did some X-rays and watched me take antibiotics orally and left me for a while to see if I can keep it down with the anti-sickness
Then asked if I’d like to take them home orally, which I jumped at the opportunity. Few hours later and I got let back to the spa hotel 🧖♀️
I was up allll night, none stop on the toilet ‘diarrhoea’ - in the morning I didn’t go down to breakfast and TCT called me “why aren’t you having breakfast” I explained I had a rough night, he asked me to come down, took one look at me and said “you need to go home” I was so relieved, I didn’t want to be a pain but I wanted to get home so badly !
Taxi was booked and off I went, I took the antibiotics at home along with more the doctor prescribed when I was home..
by Sunday I thought “oh I feel good again” then I made a mistake....
I went back to work on Monday, did my back to work ect
Then at my desk I got such a bad tummy pain, and rushed to the toilet, runs again and sick, I left it for half the day, then I had to go see my boss, he took a look at me and was like “you’re not okay are you” and sent me down to A&E
Where I then spent another week in hospital , but this time I was in quarantine Sepsis had started AGAIN!! 🤒 but my infection markers were back up..
Anyway I’ll cut this but short, after tests it showed i was GDH positive “ Glutamate Dehydrogenase
(GDH Positive) Patient Information Leaflet Infection Prevention
What does GDH positive mean?
GDH is a enzyme if this is identified in your faeces it means you are colonised with the germ (bacteria) called Clostridium difficile (abbreviated ‘C.diff’ or ‘CDT’)”
Which then we had to wait for part 2 and it came back that I had C.Diff -
Description
Clostridioides difficile, also known as Peptoclostridium difficile, C. difficile, or C. diff, is Gram-positive species of spore-forming bacteria. Clostridioides spp. are anaerobic, motile bacteria, ubiquitous in nature, and especially prevalent in soil.
Turns out I had this from the get go, so the infection they couldn’t find in my blood, was C.diff.
Now being GDH positive, I could have it all my life which puts me more at risk, or my body could fight it off, but with my compromised immune system, it’s highly unlikely, now I’m limited on what antibiotics I can have because I’m GDH for a lot of “common” ones can cause C.Diff 🤷♀️
I certainly do not like being locked away from the world when I’m aware what’s going on and wanting some fresh air.. at least the first week I was that out of it , it didn’t bother me that I couldn’t leave ect, where as when you’re fully aware it’s a horrible experience! Especially when your family and fiancé and friends have to wear aprons and gloves and not touch me, a whole week with no cuddles and kisses was horrible 😫
I’m a very special case.. 🎗👍
This was May /June..
it’s now January 2020.....
Past week or so, I’ve been having a bad time with myself.. I’ve had a “fake smile” hiding how I feel. My recent post on Facebook apparently touched a lot of people which made me go through with actually finishing this blog I’ve been trying to write for months.
My Facebook post :
See this smile ??
I’ve been hiding behind this smile..
Lately, I’ve been finding it difficult to be “myself” 🤦♀️
I’ve been fighting with myself and my thoughts..
and the ones around me have suffered.
I’ve been snappy, moody, ignorant you name it. But I’ve been hurting, I’ve been loooking at myself in the mirror and hated who was looking back at me
“where’s that girl who kicks cancers butt? Who is so smiley and happy and has so much to look forward to” - where has she gone?!?
No one prepares you for this, one day your so happy, and your strong 💪 next you’re a completely different person, who can’t understand why her life has gone the way it has, basically WHY ME? 🤷♀️
• why do I have to have cancer?
• why can’t I be cured ?
• why can’t I just stop chemo?
• why do I have to be sick and in pain ?
• why do I have to worry about every single cough or sneeze!
• why do I have to fight sepsis on top of everything else ?!! And not just once 4 TIMES NOW 🤒
These are the questions that have been eating me up, they always do, but the past week has been awful, yeah at work I’m smiley and put on a brave face, as that’s my job environment, but at home is when I suffer, the people around me noticed something wasn’t right..
But you know what, all those things above are what have made me into the person I am today, a strong young lady 🎗
I know now, it’s okay to hurt and feel the way I do..
I just have to remember who I really am.. and that’s Leanne, Leanne who kicks cancer butt every single bloody day, and I do it god damn well 💪
Please no one suffer in silence, I’ve made myself sick bottling it up, when in reality just opening up to my partner that I have felt this way for a while, has shown me this is just another hurdle, and I am made/built to get over this wall and carry on fighting ❤️
The support he gives, is incredible, I am so lucky 🤞
So sorry for the long post, but it’s time I was honest with myself and you!
That I’m not always this brave, inspirational person you all see me as..
I am me, and I am proud ❤️
Thank you all for taking the time to read my new blog, I finally did it, I’m so proud !
Remember it’s okay not to be okay, somethings can just be too much for one person, and it’s okay to feel the way you do, just remember who you are and how far you’ve come
Ive also added some photos of my time in hospital , but of good things too
I made the gazette (newspaper) and I did a skydive for TeenageCancerTrust ✈️ and we finally booked our wedding 💍 July 2021 👰🤵
I also started a new job in March 2019 at the hospital that has saved my life more than one occasion, I feel so grateful to give back after all they’ve done for me ❤️
Ive also added some photos of my time in hospital , but of good things too
I made the gazette (newspaper) and I did a skydive for TeenageCancerTrust ✈️ and we finally booked our wedding 💍 July 2021 👰🤵
I also started a new job in March 2019 at the hospital that has saved my life more than one occasion, I feel so grateful to give back after all they’ve done for me ❤️
All my love to those who follow my journey with blood Cancer
Leanne xxxx 🎗❤️
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete